Finale!

It's finale time! After a brief padding session wherein the judges' catchphrases are shown ("For me...", "Sweetie..." a large vocabulary, and "What? I can't hear you") Kris and Adam walk down the stairs, dressed all in white. It is not a good look for either one. Their microphones are not really turned on. It is not a good sound for either one.

The top 13 are singing "So What" by Pink... and Allison better have the lead, because she can sing Pink like no one else in this competition. It's a weak performance overall, livened up by Adam's dancing, Kris's white fedora, and the second half of the song, where Allison karate-kicks. As most big group performances are, mediocre. Let me just say, though, that this is not an easy song to sing well; it lends itself to bad karaeoke. Try it, you'll see.

David Cook is singing "Permanent" live. This is a song he wrote for his brother Adam, who recently passed away. I forgot how magnetizing David is a live performer, even though his voice is shaky (he is about to cry.) Proceeds from the iTunes purchase of this performance will be donated to brain cancer research. Not even I am enough of a tool to not buy this song, and it will not be wasted money; this is a raw, stripped down, emotional performance. David is on the verge of tears most of the way through. This is what we call grace under pressure. Well done, David.

The "Golden Idol" awards are now being presented. What the hell is this? Oh, I see. It's a way to mock contestants who can't sing. Classy, Idol. Real classy. I'm sorry, this is ridiculous. You've already mocked them once, Idol, just let it be. The "Outstanding Male" award is presented to Nick Mitchell, aka Norman Gentle, aka the whacko who got a spot in the top 36 over deserving contestants like Emily Wynne-Hughes ("Barracuda Girl") and yes, Michael Castro. He gets up to sing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." I would rather hear another group number. I would rather hear Scott and Lil Rounds sing a duet.

Speaking of Lil Rounds! She is dueting with Queen Latifah singing "Cue The Rain." This performance is everything that Lil does well, belting out notes rather than striving to hit high. I don't know what the lyrics to this song are because Lil can't enunciate to save her life, but she's well matched with Queen Latifah, who is able to cover for everything Lil can't do (demonstrate any sort of subtlety.) For the record, I love Queen Latifah and I think she is gorgeous and multi-talented and that she possesses a great voice. Both of these women know how to dress. The last few words of the song, with no musical accompaniment, are excellent.

Oh my gosh, Anoop and Alexis Grace are performing "I'm Yours" with Jason Mraz, and all three of them sound top notch. Remind me why Alexis was eliminated again? OK, so Noop Dawg and Alexis are mostly backup for Jason, but the harmony is great and I really hope this song is available for download.

Kris Allen is performing his duet first, which some people say means he is the winner. We'll see how that works out. In any case, he's singing "Kiss A Girl" with Keith Urban. Kris's high notes have never been his best, but he is nailing them tonight, a little weak but completely respectable. He and Keith just have this little jam session going on, and they both look like they're enjoying themselves. Kris looks like he thinks this whole experience is just peachy. He and Keith hug at the end. Aww.

Now the girls are onstage, singing "Glamorous" by Fergie (because this is such a singer's song.) Allison Iraheta announces Fergie, who really sounds much better on the radio. Then the Black Eyed Peas come on, and Megan Joy is dancing in the aisle. I seem to remember the BEP producing a song that I really liked at the very beginning of their career on MTV--"Where Is The Love." Since then, they have deteriorated. Three Grammies? Good grief.

Back to the Golden Idols. This one is for people who demonstrate composure. Bikini Girl wins it. Hands up if you didn't see that one coming. She walks on stage in a bikini, because she has just as much class as the Idol producers. She kisses Ryan again ("And he kissed back this time!") I'm sorry. This trainwreck needs to be over. I refuse to speak of it any longer. I actually walked out... then Kara walks onstage and sings with Katrina. Katrina looks thrilled... not. Kara sounds fantastic. Oh my god. Kara is wearing a bikini as well. They have no shame.

Back to some measure of sanity. Allison Iraheta is singing a duet with Cyndi Lauper--"Time After Time." To no one's surprise she sounds great from note one. Cyndi still sounds pretty good. Does anyone else feel like they're at Lilith Fair? That was an understated but powerful performance. I hope that one's on iTunes, too.

Danny Gokey is singing "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie. I'm sorry, but I'm going to compare this to David Cook... and actually, it's not bad. In the last three weeks, Danny's learned some subtlety and phrasing. If we'd known this would happen we should have voted him off earlier. Then Lionel Ritchie comes in and the two duet. I don't know what they're singing, but it's pretty forgettable until they segue into "All Night Long." Paula gets on her feet, "raises the roof and has some fun." Danny sounds really, really good, but he still can't dance. All right, I can't either. The two climb on the back of the judges' booth (did David Cook invent this move or do I just associate it with him?) Danny should not stand on the back of the judges' booth because he produces bad notes there.

Adam Lambert is up on stage. (Are we getting a cue from the song to which they're playing his video--"Viva La Vida"? "I used to rule the world?") Now, the identity of the "sweet rock band" with which he's singing has been unknown, but people were betting on KISS... and they're collecting. Wearing a black leather jacket with shoulder cages that defy description, it's Adam Lambert singing "Beth" by KISS. (The irony is lost on no one.) KISS descends from a gold-painted stage. Fireworks go off. This is what Adam was meant to do--sing with a rock band. He sounds right at home amongst these icons. THIS is the Adam I wanted to see last night, singing "Rock and Roll All Night" with KISS like he was part of the band from the beginning. We get a scream and a guitar smash. Yep, he definitely belongs with these guys...

Ryan comments that it felt like New Year's Eve with the ball dropping with Adam and KISS. Santana takes the stage, playing "Black Magic Woman." This is one of my favorite guitar pieces ever. I've always wanted to hear it live. Holy mackerel, that's Matt Giraud singing while Santana plays guitar, I have no words... except that he sounds good. They segue into "Smooth" and the entire Top 13 come onstage. Adam, Jorge, Danny, and Kris all have solos. OK, I voted for him, but I see why Jorge was voted off now. This is a much stronger performance than "So What," probably because the voices singing it are better suited to the song. And also, it's really hard to sound bad when you are singing along to Santana.

David Cook presents Ford cars to Kris and Adam. Adam says "It's beautiful!" Kris says, "Dude, I needed a new car so bad."

Steve Martin, what the hell, is playing the banjo. WHAT THE HELL? Megan Joy and Michael Sarver are singing with him. Excuse me while I go check and make sure I'm not on LSD. Michael sounds good. He's the only part about this that sounds good. This song is awful, and also, it's out of Megan's range.

Another group song, this one boys only, singing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." I'd like to send out a message to half the guys up here: "I do not want your body, I do not think you're sexy." A weak performance. Rod himself comes onstage to save us (or blind us with a wretched jacket, I'm not sure) with "Maggie Mae." This guy still has pipes, even after all those years; a little weaker, but still true and distinct. He tries to get the audience to clap along, but it sounds like he's not getting them engaged. A woman in the audience in a sparkly dress plays air guitar.

The final Golden Idol is for "Outstanding Female," and we all know it's going to be Tatiana Del Toro. I wonder if she'll be less annoying the second time around. We get replays of all of the annoying, attention seeking things she has done all season. Yep, she is just as annoying as she makes a break for the stage, steals the mic from Ryan, and proceeds to sing while he says he needs to cut for commercial. Staged--but still annoying.

Kris and Adam are dueting to "We Are The Champions" by Queen. We've been waiting for Adam to sing Queen, might as well be now! Queen THEMSELVES have come out to play here. Oh my gosh. I have no words. Adam's voice is totally dwarfing Kris's, but that's OK because they've given Kris the verses and he sounds fantastic. (And he's wearing a leather jacket, and looks awesome too.) Adam and Kris, whom we know are friends, do a little shoulder-chest bump thing. Aww.

Simon says, "And I don't normally mean this," both Adam and Kris are nice people, should be very proud of themselves, and the future is all theirs. Aww.

AND THE WINNER IS…

KRIS ALLEN!

I'd call it an upset--but it's not one! Kris protests, says Adam deserves it, looks completely shocked, is utterly speechless. Adam looks psyched for his buddy. Kris, somewhat over his shell shock, looks pleased for himself. He stands on stage and smiles his way through that wretched song. (Allison hangs off of Adam's shoulder watching him sing.) Kris looks like he's getting used to the confetti falling down on him, moves up to the stand behind the judges' booth, falls off of it, hops back on, not a break in the song.

You know what, I'm going to skip over the votes that made this happen. I'm not going to mention where all this came from. I want to give Kris Allen a round of applause. Nobody thought he could do this before last night. Nobody thought Adam Lambert would be dethroned. Good for Kris! I wish him a fantastic career! And a round of applause for Adam, who is going on to great things as well.